Trigger Warning: Mention of cutting and of suicidal thoughts.)
I would like to take some time today and introduce you to 18-year-old Lily; she is a Senior in high school.
About three and a half years ago, Lily’s parents divorced. Around that same time, the church she and her family had been going to since she was in elementary school fell apart. I am sure you can imagine the brokenness these events brought to her life.
Lily and her younger brother lived with their mother after their parent’s divorce, but the family lived in filth and neglect (although at the time the children did not realize what neglect was). Their mother was rarely home, and their father, since the time she could remember, worked jobs out of town and sometimes out of state. He invested in his family on the weekends, but during the week, jobs called him to where the money was to take care of his family. All this left Lily to raise herself and her brother.
About six months after her parent’s divorce, Lily and her brother moved in with Janna. This is where Janna became Lily’s guardian until she graduated high school, and her brother’s guardian until he graduated high school.
The first time Lily remembers wanting to take her own life was around 6th grade. Even before her parent’s divorce, life was not healthy for her. Her parents often fought, and not only was there neglect, there was also abuse in her home, both physical and emotional/mental.
This Lily, at 18-years-old, feels like she is always surrounded by a cloud of darkness, from the time she wakes up for school, to the time she goes to bed heavy in her heart and mind. She has had so much trauma, so much grief. She has given herself to others in ways that she never intended. She had grown up in church, knowing ABOUT Jesus, but never truly KNOWING Jesus. In fact, because of many of the people in her life who claim Christianity, she decides that she does not want anything to do with God.
To escape the darkness she feels, even for a temporary time, she smokes pot, or cuts herself to find relief. Even in the darkness though, she knows these are false reliefs. She often thinks about suicide; it has been in her mind since that first time. But since her little brother has lost just as much as she has, she does not want to add even more loss to his life. She often wonders though, when her false fixes will not be enough anymore. She wonders when suicide will be her last resort to the darkness and sorrow.
A friend Lily has had from childhood invites her to church often. Lily, of course, says “no” because she knows what church and Christians are like. In her experience, they claim salvation and grace while cheating on spouses. They judge the sins of “sinners,” while abusing their families, and they go to church on Sunday after drinking themselves drunk on Saturday.
But her friend is persistent, and keeps inviting her. So, on January 11th, 2009, Lily decides to say “yes,” hoping that this friend will leave her alone if she goes just this once.
After she puts out her cigarette, she steps through the church doors Sunday morning, dressed in her black clothes and her skull jewelry. Feeling hatred for the people there that she has labeled “hypocrites,” she goes and sits next to her friend and the service begins.
She cannot tell you what songs the worship pastor sang that morning, or what message the pastor gave, but she can tell you exactly what Jesus did for her.
He opened her heart to Him. He showed her that He was not at all the God she thought He was, the one she had grown up with. It was as though He shined a light in her life, to chase out all that heavy darkness and to expose the lies the enemy had been feeding her.
By the power of the Holy Spirit, He showed her that all the brokenness she had been experiencing was not caused by Him, but by her own choices and the choices of those around her. He showed her that He loves His creation SO MUCH, that He gives them free will. That if there was no free will, we would be like robots. He showed her that His heart was always for her. He was so full of mercy and grace and showed her that He LOVES sinners. He wiped her slate clean that day and she has never been the same.
Now at 33, Lily is so thankful for the free gift of salvation she received 15 years before. Her life has been far from easy and far from perfect. She understands now that we are all just broken sinners, some of us have chosen the free gift of Christ’s salvation, and some of us aren’t quite ready yet. Sometimes too, we forget the grace, mercy, and forgiveness that is ours to keep. But through every trial, and through every brokenness, Lily pushes into the heart of her Father, and He always meets her with open arms – just as He did that first day. She does not need the false fixes anymore, because as she grows in Jesus, He brings her TRUE healing, TRUE life, TRUE joy, and TRUE comfort.
If you have not already guessed, that Lily and I are the same person. I am so grateful for the freedom I received all those years ago. I could have never guessed what God would do with that life that I not only hated but also found useless. I am so grateful for the hope He gives. That He has never once held my nasty sins against me, but instead, has used them to help me truly see others, and to love them where they are. I used to feel like there were so many rules to religion, so much bondage. Now I see that there
is LIBERATION in a relationship with Christ. I see that anything of this world that He asks me to lay down is replaced by more freedom in the Kingdom of Heaven.
I want to encourage you today – if you are doubting God’s realness, if you are doubting His favor, push into His heart - found through His Word and prayer. Ask Him anything, He is not offended by you. Reach out to a pastor or a Christian that you know you can trust, and ask them the hard questions. Ask them to pray for you.
If you already love Jesus, I encourage you to do uncomfortable things to reach others for the Kingdom of Heaven. Offer to pray for them, invite them to church… you never know when your invite might be the one they say “yes” to, to make you stop asking (like me!). Keep PRAYING for those in your life who are still lost. Your prayers are doing POWERFUL things in the Heavenly places. Remember that His thoughts are not our thoughts, and that His ways are far beyond anything we could imagine (Isaiah 55:8).
This morning as I write this, I pray that God gives you much favor and influence in the lives of those around you, that He opens doors and gives you so many opportunities to share the Good News of salvation with those He loves so dearly. Do not give up hope! He is not done with us yet!
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” 2 Corinthians 5:17 NKJV
