As seems to be the case when it’s my turn to write the blog, I have a good idea of what I’m going to share, but at what feels like the last minute to me, God puts something entirely different on my heart. Truly though, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love when it’s His ideas and His words and not my own. Sometimes I get nervous about going so deep when I share, but I think the Father’s heart IS DEEP, so let’s jump in.
In 2020/2021, Thomas and I suffered a significant loss in ministry. Long story short, there was a position we thought and hoped would be moving into full time that we were let go from. To say I was devastated is really an understatement.
As I was sharing some of my heartache with a good friend and mentor of mine, she shared with me that we have to get to a point with God where we tell Him that we will sign up again - after loss and after disappointment.
Like Abraham, getting ready to sacrifice the promise of Issac, we too have to be willing to die to our dreams and promises, EVEN IF they are from God. We have to surrender to His will, and if it doesn’t go as hoped or how we planned, we choose to sign up again.
In 2021, when we suffered our miscarriage, I wasn’t ready to sign up again. I told God that the only way I would ever be willing to become pregnant again was if we wouldn’t lose our baby. If He was going to allow another miscarriage, I would prefer to continue dealing with infertility. I felt like I would never be able to endure a grief and pain like that again. That if it happened again, it would completely wreck me.
It wasn’t until we moved to Pennsylvania that I was willing to “sign up again” for WHATEVER God has for me, even if it ends in a way that my heart would never choose.
Many of you know the loss I suffered when I lost my dad last April. The grief has been a lot, if I’m going to be honest. It isn’t something that you can prepare your heart for. I think that it has been more difficult for me because I’ve felt like God has been so silent in this journey. I feel His presence, I know that He’s holding me… but I don’t hear Him. He’s not saying anything.
In fact, last month, I felt God calling me to just spend some time with Him. The exact moment I opened my heart to Him, I realized that I’ve been avoiding Him because He’s been so silent - because He isn’t making me feel better… As I sat there and poured out my heart to Him, He told me that this is not a season of feeling better, but a season of learning deep and eternal truths.
I would say “ironically,” but I know it was God moment, when, a few days later, Pastor Joe shared in his Sunday message that we can’t take our children’s hurts from them, but we can hold them and love them in their hurt. It's something that they must walk through… this is exactly what God has been doing for me.
Recently, I was thinking about some friends and some “creature comforts” that I miss from Montana. My mind immediately went to “But God called us here! We are created for eternity and this world isn’t our true home!” When put into that context, it makes it so easy to move and never look back - I would sign up for this move again and again, even knowing the hardest parts of it. Then I thought, “Then why is it so hard to give up my dad?”
This Sunday we sang these words at the close of the service:
“Narrow as the road may seem, I’ll follow where Your spirit leads. Broken as my life may be, I will give You every piece. Here I am with open hands, counting on Your grace again. Less of me and more of You, I just want to see You move. I hear You call, I am available. I say ‘yes Lord’, I am available. Here I am, You can have it all.”
As we were singing out these words, I heard God whisper to my heart about my grief for my dad, “Will you sign up again?” Even as I write this, I can’t help but get emotional. I feel so humbled that GOD - the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Creator of the entire universe is asking ME if I can do it again for Him. Am I willing to go to the depths if that’s where He leads? Will I really surrender all? Will I really give Him EVERYTHING? Will I join His team again, no matter the cost?
The answer, of course, is “yes”… but I don’t think that this is a once and done kind of thing. I think it will be a daily kind of thing. I’m pretty positive I won’t have my life or this grief thing figured out anytime soon, but there is a type of joy - an adventure - that I feel brewing in my heart when I hear the Father ask me if I’m willing to sign up again.
So, my question for you today is: What is God calling you to sign back up for? What dreams or promises have you given up on and let die, that He never said He was finished with? Have you built walls so thick against the Father that you wouldn’t even know where to start to let Him in? Let me encourage you, that the first step is simply being honest with Him. Ask Him to help you open your heart back up to Him. Ask Him to shine His light in the dark places of your soul, on the roads that you’ve been too afraid to walk down again for fear of hurt and brokenness.
Friends, God will never call us into any season, or to walk along any road, without the intention of going with us - to be our ever present help in need. Will it be easy? Absolutely not, but life with Christ is always worth it. Not a single one of us can go through life without disappointment, grief, and heartache, so we might as well go into it with the One who knows how to navigate any storm, the One who is always a safe place for our hearts.
Will you sign up again?
Romans 8:18 ESV “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.”
2 Corinthians 4:17-18 ESV “For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”
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