Each time I think about what to write for this blog… it’s not what I think it will be. I thought I was going to be sharing with you how the Israelites thought they were being punished for 40 years, when God was actually providing for them all the things they needed during that time, and how that applies to us today.
But as I sit here, trying to write about the Israelites, I’m feeling God calling me to go a little deeper with you, by sharing the testimony of our unborn baby. So today, that’s what I’ll write about.
After Zeke was born in 2011, I struggled with postpartum depression. Thomas and I always wanted more children, but Thomas was ready right after Zeke was born, and I could have waited until Zeke was 21. (Joking of course, but I didn’t feel ready to try again.)
In 2015, after some talk about when we would be ready, I suggested we both pray about it- assuming God would take my side in waiting! (Ha!)
Well, one night, as I was falling asleep, God brought to my mind all of the reasons I was wanting to wait to get pregnant. He showed me that I was actually afraid to have more children and that I wasn’t trusting Him with my future, and the plans He had for me.
After that He started working on my heart, and helping me anticipate the plans He had for me, to give me a hope and a future. And over the years, every time I’d start to get frustrated, or wonder if we would ever be able to have more children, He would bring Jeremiah 29:11 to me. “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Sometimes it was Him speaking to my heart, other times through a song, maybe a verse in my prayer journal, or someone praying over me. But He was continually faithful to remind me that He had not forgotten the promise He made my heart.
Early in 2021, God started talking to Thomas about this baby too, and giving him signs of the hope He had promised us. Our expectations grew!
In February of that year, after about 6 years of secondary infertility, God gave us a positive pregnancy test. This was the first and only time we have experienced this, besides our pregnancy with Zeke. We were both ecstatic and couldn’t wait to see God’s promise fulfilled.
Sadly, that April, we miscarried the baby God had promised us. To say that I was devastated is really an understatement. I feel like that day, I was changed. I became a different person. I was so broken and felt like everyone around me saw me that way too. I knew that probably wasn’t the truth, but I didn’t know how to receive the truth.
That miscarriage was a refining I never would have asked for… it was a heaviness that I never wanted to experience. Why would God promise me a baby, and take it away before I even got to meet it? How could God's plan in this be good? This wasn’t the hope and the future I was expecting.
In the midst of the brokenness, all I had was the embrace of Jesus to cling to. He walked with me each step of the journey and spoke to my heart daily. He told me that His heart was grieved with mine. He thanked me for giving my grief to Him. He grew me in a way that I didn’t know was possible.
He brought gifts to me through the people in my life, gifts that only He knew my heart wanted. Just one of many testimonies: I was grieved that we weren’t able to buy a blanket for our baby, it would have made me feel like I had something of my baby’s to remember her by. Later that day, one of my sweet friends brought me a blanket that God had told her to make for me. It was so perfect and a reminder that I was seen by our Father.
To be honest, I was so thankful for how He spoke to my heart in that season, how He drew me near to Him, and showed me just how much He cared for me. But, if I would have been able to choose a baby over that growth, I probably would have.
Through our move here to Pennsylvania, God brought much needed healing to my heart. He’s spoken to me many times that He still has plans to grow our family. I don’t necessarily know what that means, but it’s just my job to trust Him in His sovereignty and not to try and figure it out.
Just a few weeks ago, God revealed to my heart that for years I’ve been grieving the promises that are not yet fulfilled. I’ve just been waiting to see them come to pass, so much so that I can’t move on with other parts of my life because I’ve been planning around them. I haven’t surrendered the promises. I’ve clung to them as a source instead of clinging to Him as my only source.
Can I just tell you the freedom His revelation has given me? That I don’t have to plan around God's promises. I just have to trust that at the right time, He will bring them to me. It won’t be anything I’ve done, but they will be completely for His glory. His plans for me are still good. His plans are still to give me a hope and a future. None of those plans died when our baby passed. He hasn’t been surprised by anything I’ve walked through.
This month, for the first time since our miscarriage, I was grateful for the brokenness I walked through.
Because of my brokenness, I was able to share with a dear friend in their season of brokenness, the things that Jesus spoke to my heart during my season. I shared with them, “You’re doing a good job grieving, no matter what it looks like. Don't let the world, or Satan, or even yourself tell you it should be or look a certain way. God is grateful for how you're giving it to Him. His heart is grieved with yours, but He’ll just hold you when you have nothing to give.” I prayed that they would know that God doesn’t expect them to “move on” with their grief, but that He’s okay with the pace they need to take it.
Without the grief and brokenness that God called me to walk through with Him, I wouldn’t have had the words to share with them. God doesn’t waste our brokenness, He uses it if we allow Him to.
We live in a fallen and broken world, so we can expect to have grief and brokenness. But when we push into the Father’s heart in the midst of our dark and hopeless situations, He causes all things to work together for our good. Even when it doesn’t feel that way. And because He is the God who multiples, He uses our situations to also work together for the good of those around us and to draw them deeper into His heart.
“So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.”
1 Peter 1:6-7 NLT