Anytime I am scheduled to write a blog, I immediately start praying about what God would have me to share with you, and today I am feeling called to be real and go deep with you once again. So, I hope you don’t mind!
As many of you know, I lost my dad last April, to a three years long battle with cancer. My dad was one of my best friends and a strong “manly man.” It has been very hard for me to process his death. Part of me thinks it’s because death was never part of God’s original plan for mankind. His plan for us was to be in relationship with Him, but then sin entered the world and separated us from Him. Because of that, He started His redemption plan for us so that we could once more be united with Him through Christ’s death and resurrection.
All of that to say, I haven’t been able to comprehend a life without my dad yet. So instead of being sad, I’ve been “stuffing”. I stuff down any and all feelings of sadness. They are not allowed here.
You see, I foolishly thought that because I’ve been no stranger to sorrow and heaviness, that I would be able to deal with this grief, easier than I’ve dealt with my past griefs. But almost immediately after losing my dad, I realized that the only good thing my past griefs could offer, was hope that just maybe, I would eventually get to the other side of this great sadness.
This grief has been nothing like I’ve ever experienced before. This grief is… Somehow less isolating, but somehow in every cell of my body and extremely exhausting. This grief has a sort of beauty to it, and I hate every part of it at the same time. This grief, well, I don’t feel as broken with it as I have with some other griefs, but simultaneously I’m afraid that if I allow myself to feel it, I may never be able to stop crying.
I am also afraid to share this grief with others. You see I have shared some past griefs with the people around me, and at times, it left me feeling even more broken than before I shared. It’s okay to PRAY for me… but don’t feel SORRY for me… Does that make sense? So, I’ve guarded my heart through this season, maybe a little too much. I also think I’ve guarded a little too much, because I know that grief can make other people uncomfortable, and well, that makes ME uncomfortable!
So, let’s stuff it down some more. No tears. Keep it surface level. Stuff, stuff, stuff.
I thought this “stuffing” WAS handling my grief. I thought it was an okay way to deal with it. And maybe for a season, it was. But it’s not anymore.
This last Sunday, during worship, I felt God calling me to just listen to His heart for me. Don’t sing. Don’t talk. Just listen. So that’s what I did. And as the church sang “Another in the Fire,” God spoke to me that by “stuffing” my grief, I am not WALKING through it. And not only am I not walking through it, I am not allowing HIM to walk WITH me through it. I’m not surrendering it to Him, I’m just trying to figure it out myself.
So, what does this look like for me? Well, honestly, I’m not 100% sure at this time. But I think it means a lot more time just me and Jesus. In those times, I’ll allow myself to be real with my feelings and emotions, but more importantly, be real with Jesus in them, even if those feelings and emotions aren’t pretty. I’m sure I’ll probably ugly cry, but I know he can handle it. Nothing has to be pretty or polished for Him, He’s completely comfortable with my grief, even if I’m not.
Today, I’m sharing all of this first and foremost, because I feel God asking me to be real and to be vulnerable with you. Second, to remind you that God is an ever-present help in need. He’s really the safest place for our hearts to rest. (I encourage you to give Psalm 46 a read in the New International Version) And finally, because I believe with my entire being, that God doesn’t waste even a single moment of our brokenness. As Christ followers, He always uses it to refine us and to makes us more able to help others.
I love how the Message Translation shares these verses: 2 Corinthians 1:3-7 “All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too. When we suffer for Jesus, it works out for your healing and salvation. If we are treated well, given a helping hand and encouraging word, that also works to your benefit, spurring you on, face forward, unflinching. Your hard times are also our hard times. When we see that you’re just as willing to endure the hard times as to enjoy the good times, we know you’re going to make it, no doubt about it.”
So, I’m going to quit stuffing, and I’m going to lay my entire life at the feet of Jesus and trust Him as we walk through this refining grief together.
” Here on earth, you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33b NLT
